Annoying OKCupid messages, publicly answered
This piece originally appeared at AlainaMabaso.com in 2016.
There is a very small percentage of messages I answer.
There is a small percentage of messages that are downright offensive and should not see the light of day, ever.
There is an average-sized percentage of messages that bore me and aren’t worth telling anyone about.
There is a significant percentage of messages that I feel a momentary urge to answer, and not because I like what I’m reading.
But I don’t have time for that.
Or do I?
Just this once. Just a few. Just for the folks at home.
WAIT. How does this work? Are we at a fifth-grade sleepover? How do I know I can trust you with the truth? If I choose dare, how do you know I actually performed the dare? ARE YOU WATCHING ME? WHY ARE WE DISCUSSING THIS IN ALL CAPS?
Can you call my dad to come pick me up? I don’t want to play anymore.
I’m looking for an intelligent kind man and I’m kind and open minded about meeting new people I would like to date I’m trying to find the right guys on here thanks for checking out my profile if I was interested in meeting a guy who defines his value to me by holding doors and also my hand I would message you back confidence is nice though my name is Alaina trying to find the right boys here don’t message me your not the right boy for me to meet for a date
We have not met actually. But I guess you get points for not leading with comments about how I look. Or just writing an entire message consisting of how I look to you.
I am open-minded, fun loving and enjoy life in all its, ITS, you hear me, ITS forms. Comfortable indoors but not so much outdoors. I like to laugh, don’t take myself too seriously and like to travel, which really sets me apart from everyone else on this site. My week is ok so far. I’d rather not reply, since I am not interested in exploring further. Or at all, really.
Have a great one!
I didn’t read your profile. That might make me seem withdrawn, tiresome, and unobservant.
Anyway, I’m Alaina. I’ve observed the world around me, in addition to existing in it, and I notice the subtle power move of phrasing your message as if it’s already decided that we’re going to meet, because YOU’RE interested.
Hi there. I’m intermittently crushed by the certainty that I will never find the kind of long-term happy-haze love who will read books with me and enjoy art galleries and laugh with me and take me to the doctor whenever I need it, and show care without judgement and without sexist expectations, even for like six months or a year or something like that; and happy about the connections I do have to men I care about. I am single, short, and honest. I glanced at your profile and I don’t wanna chat.
The kind who will exploit men on the Internet whose only crime is wanting a little companionship. And then also be vaguely offended when a man who learns I’m a writer asks if I’m going to write an article about dating, because I want to believe I’m more original than that.
I’m glad your enjoying my online dating skills maybe this blog post will go viral haha
i am ok
also where is your face
hey there. Recently I have been feeling weird about men on the Internet thinking I am their therapist or something because I have a vagina. So no, I’m not responsible for your feelings and questions and I don’t want to chat, openly or opaquely. Unless you’re doing some soul searching about your awkwardly flexed shirtless bathroom mirror selfie because I will tell you for free: Stop. Just stop.
We’re not friends
p.s. do you like me or do you like-like me?